Smokers’ Corner: Terrorist floods - Nadeem F. Paracha - October 31, 2010

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Death, destruction, chaos, pain, tears, fear. I can go on and on. People are asking what has happened to our beloved Islamic republic. Well, the answers are obvious. The answers are quivering and screaming right underneath our noses. Take the example of the devastating floods the beloved country has been facing. But before I launch into analysing the issue let me make a humble appeal to all my Muslim brothers and sisters.

Let’s join hands, unite, merge and gather outside the most significant and historically relevant landmarks of the county — the Lal Masjid and the Kahuta Nuclear Plant — and raise our hands and scream at the top of our voices, ‘Oh, Lord, forgive our sins. Forgive us and deliver us from all these calamities that our enemies have unleashed upon us. We know these calamities are your azaab on a shameless, slavish and corrupt leadership. Rid this land of these devils. These agents of destruction and corruption and consumption and dysfunction and eruption’.

Now, dear Muslim brothers and sisters, I would like to address all those hypocrites who have been going on and on calling freedom fighters like the Taliban ‘terrorists’. These so-called liberals whom we all know are clearly on the payroll of various enemy agencies, are always quick to call Taliban terrorists but why are they quiet when these floods have killed so many of our poor, helpless, innocent (Muslim) brothers and sisters? Why aren’t they calling these floods an act of terrorism as well?

These merciless floods have no morals, no religion, no ethics. I have done what no TV channel or newspaper or NGO is willing to do. My team and I conducted a series of interviews with these dastardly floods. And as they roared across the country creating havoc, they told us, ‘our mission is to wash out Pakistan and Islam’.

I dived into the Indus, and warned it that it is being infiltrated by terrorist floods unleashed by our enemies in India and Afghanistan, but my pleas and warnings too were swept away.

Dear Muslim Pakistani brothers and sisters, open your eyes and see the truth; open your ears and hear the facts; open your noses and smell the coffee. After creating hell through infidel agents of death, whom we so naively call Taliban, our enemies have now let loose these highly trained and paid floods. I have solid proof that these deadly floods were created and given training in Kabul and New Delhi by RAW and the CIA.

I also want to share with you another startling fact: Never have our rivers looked so red during flooding. What does that tell you? Simple, dear colleagues. The Russian KGB has joined the proceedings as well. If you listen carefully to the sound of the raging waters in our rivers these days, you can clearly hear it singing not only bhajans and hymns, but Godless and atheistic, communist claptrap as well.

The following is what I want to ask our rulers: Why isn’t the government declaring the floods as terrorists? Why is the government accepting flood relief from India? How can Pakistani Muslims ever get themselves to consume water and food delivered by Hindus? Isn’t it better that the victims drown or starve to death rather than accept such impure aid? What a shame!

It is now clear that only our gallant army can run this country. It successfully wiped out the infidel agents of India, Israel and the United States from Swat; it should be given a free hand to fight these Godless floods too. Why isn’t the government allowing the armed forces to use fighter jets and tanks against these floods? I predict that it will only take a week for our brave forces to wipe out these floods if they are allowed to bomb some strategic areas of the mighty Indus. I have been warning that many parts of the river Indus running across Sindh in particular were always more venerable to infiltration by enemy and terrorist floods. That is due to the presence of the blind dolphins there, especially near the Sukkur barrage. Dear colleagues, let me tell you, these merciless dolphins paid by the enemy western agencies like the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) are not blind at all. It’s an elaborate hoax. Kill them!

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